Funny Divorce Letter

Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that
I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years
and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that
you had quit your job today and
that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't
even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut,
cooked your favorite meal,
and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers
later that night.
You came home, nibbled at your food
for two minutes, and went straight to sleep
after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't want sex anymore or anything.
Either you're cheating on me
or you don't love me.
Whichever is the case....I'm gone.

Signed,
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me.
Your sister and I are moving away
to West Virginia together. Have a great life!



Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more enjoyable
than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married
for seven years, although a 'good man'
is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because
they drown out your constant
whining and griping.
It's just too bad it doesn't work.

Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut
last week.....and actually the first thing
that came to my mind was
"You look just like a girl"
but my mother raised me not to say anything
at all if you can't say anything nice.
And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with my
SISTER, because I stopped eating pork
seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had
those new silk boxers on because
the price tag was still on them.
I prayed that it was just a coincidence
that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars
from me that morning and your silk
boxers were $49.99...

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that
we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the
lotto for twenty million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii.
But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life
you've always wanted.
My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote,
you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this
but
my sister 'Carla'...was born Carl.
I hope that's not a problem for you.

My Loving Wife

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, So he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally Typed
wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the
e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail,
expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed
into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer
screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Reached

Date: 8th Jan 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just
reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you
then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

Your Loving Husband.

THE FUNNIES ON LIFE

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

**********

Marriage is a threering circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

**********

For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

**********

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.

**********

Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car

**********

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

**********

Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.

**********

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

**********

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

**********

The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

**********

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down he aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

**********

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

**********

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

**********

Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

**********

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

**********

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"

**********

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

**********

Your Horse Called Up

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.


"What was that for?" the man asked.


The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Julie on it that I found in your pants pocket".


The man then said "When I was at the races last week Julie was the name of the horse I bet on"


The wife apologized and went on with the housework.


Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on thehead with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.


Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.


wife replied. "Your horse called up !!!!"

Upgrade Problems from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING)

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best Wishes,
Tech Support

Great Sayings On Marriage & Wife

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

*********

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

*********

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

*********

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

*********

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

*********

The great question.... Which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?

*********

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

*********

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

*********

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

*********

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

*********

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

*********

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

*********

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

*********

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

*********

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

*********

Software Engineer Husband & His Wife

Software engineer and his wife conversation

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.


Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.


Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.


Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where`s your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.


Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.


Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.


Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.


Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.


Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.


Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.


Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.


Wife - I will go to my dad`s house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.


Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.


Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.


Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer